Three Familiar Accounts of Edmund's Early Life

As written of Edmund in the Original Ballad of Paisley Glen

"Our hero, Edmund, fell deeply in love
A love that he felt that he needed to prove
So he challenged his captain, Morgan, to a duel
And came from the act a bloody, spent fool
As Sonja, the gypsy, said to her men
That she wanted them neither and retired to her den
Edmund, enraptured, if heartbroken, too
Followed miss Sonja (what else could he do)
And learned something wonderful, happy and true."

As written of Edmund in the New, Improved Ballad of Paisley Glen

"He challeng-ed his Captain to a duel till the death
And Smeg and Sonja watched the bloody thing with bated breath

And when the fight was over, Ed and Morgan were in fits
At the ridiculosity of fighting over tits

The lovely gypsy Sonja stopped the gents when she declared:
She did not want a man at all--so both thier lives were spared

But Edmund was enraptured still with Sonja, gypsy fair
Insisted he they dine that night to comfort his despair

Then Ed and Sonja dined and spoke and learned about their kin
Discovered she was Ursie Turnpike, Edmund's long-lost twin!."

As written of Edmund, in the Original Tale of Paisley Glen

"Born a second son, and rather useless at that, he tried many trades; farming, sheparding, silversmiting, etc.; including a stint in the Anglican church. Finally, he went to sea with his best friend since youth, Smeg, after this episode proved futile (something involving altar boys and large brass candlesticks). Their ship, The Goodship Lollipop, was captured by dread pirates, from somewhere off the coast of Penzance. He joined with them, finding their captain, a pirate by the name of Morgan, friendly. From here they went on many an adventure that we shall not speak of in this tale."

Of Edmund, of Paisley Wales, and of the Fall of Paisley Germany

It came to pass that Captain Morgan, that notorious pirate from off the coast of Penzance, who sailed aboard the Good Ship Lollipop, was by popular acclaim about to ascend to the throne of Paisley Germany. Matt the Bear, the current Duke, had other thoughts about this. Barbara Ragle, future Duchess of Paisley Japan, and Admiral Alucard Cuervo, Red Baron of Paisley Tokyo, were supportive of this move, although there was talk of placing Lady Barbara as Duchess instead. At any rate, The Bear's hold on his country was faltering, and it was clear that this two or three way struggle was ripe for collapse. Lady Julie Gateauxdefromage and Lady Trillium Fancypants Aurora, although undeniably involved in matters of state in that country at that time, had little to say on the subject. However, they were responsible for Morgan's travelling to Paisley Wales.

Paisley Wales, at that time, was where the proto-Paislians were gathered. Lord Edmund's brother, Francis, was still alive at that time, and persecuting what he thought of as his brother's "delinquent" friends. Edmund had little hope of ever accomplishing anything with his life, except possibly protecting his companion's revelry in this secret vale. One evening, after a great boozeup, Edmund and Smeg wound up on Morgan's ship, as stated above. Morgan took Edmund under his tutelage, and taught him all that he had learned of statecraft in Paisley Germany. Before the infamous duel over the Lady Ursula's hand, they traveled to P. Germany, where the following remarkable circumstance had happened in his absence.

Patbundy Wolfenstein, an eventually emigree to Paisley Russia, had singlehandedly destroyed the diplomatic talks going on between Matt the Bear and Lord Ron Byron, Duke of Paisley Scotland. He had violated a key condition of the peace treaty that had taken generations to set up. Although the Germans denied responsibility and knowledge of Wolfenstein's actions, the entire populace were briefly enslaved by the Scots, before being scattered to the winds.

As Morgan was absent during this period, he cunningly seized the crown jewels of the P. Germans, and set up a government in exile for those citizens he could recover. Eventually, most of the surviving Germans made their way to other regions, as a government-in-exile is no kind of life for a politcal creature. Most of the Survivors made their way to Paisley Argentina and Paisley Japan, although a few slipped north to what would become Paisley Russia. Aragorn Morgan, as he was now known, eventually laid down the burden of statecraft, as he was ruler of a scattered people, and presented the Crown Jewels of Paisley Germany to Edmund, his pupil and heir.

Thus it is that the Great Sword Clay passed from House Morning Star to House Turnpike, and that Paisley Glen is descended from both Paisley Germany and Paisley Wales.

Of Edmund and the War that Never Was

Before the treaty that brought Paisley Japan into Paisley Glen's sphere of influence, it was ruled by the Countess of Titipu, on behalf of the Mikado of Paisley Japan, from a small island known as Stripey Glen. This countess was none other than the Lady Barbara Ragle, who had fled thence after the collapse of Paisley Germany. Her chief general was known as General Stripey, but everyone knew that he, the Red Baron of Paisley Tokyo, was in fact Lord Alucard Cuervo, her consort. The P. Japanese, a savage and warlike race, sent many threatening messages to Lord Edmund and the other Glenizens of the time.

The threatened tackiness of their draperies was too much indignity for Lord Edmund to bear. He fired off missives left and right, and set Smegford and Amarantha to constructing whatever weapons they could. Sadly, many of these turned out to be Boffer Potatoes, which are very nearly useless in a fight. Edmund attempted to drum up support from Paisley Rome, and Paisley Japan called upon their old countrymen in Paisley Argentina. Both sides were ready for war.


The day the first battle was scheduled to take place, neither sides' allies turned up. With each side being therefore too weak to fight, the leaders embaressdly turned to diplomacy. The result? Paisley Japan became a duchy of the Glen, with the caveat that they could remain entirely separate if they wished.