The year was fifteen hundred eight and old man Turnpike won
His battle with a wicked cake (this was no honey bun)

The Muffin of Modernity, in all its vengeful wrath
Was silenced for eternity, that fateful day in Bath

Sir Alfred Turnpike started as a worthless, landless knight
But gained an Earlship and an heir because of his great fight

And somewhere sometime in between his dying and his birth 
Sir Alfred purchased for himself a humble spot of earth

He built a manor for himself and his wife, Lady Jane
Which sparkled and illuminated on the Cornwall plains

He named his pleasure dome for that which pleased his sense of zen
The glor-yous palace on the plain was known as Paisley Glen

And Turnpike, Earl of Mont'r'rat begat abundant kin
And fin'lly, old and gay and fat 'twas drink that did him in

'Twas six and Twenty years gone by and then there came to be
A darling set of twins to populate the fam'ly tree

The Lady Mary loved her spawn as any mother would
And as a father Charles (her love) he did the best he could

But somehow in the flurry of a swelt'ry summer day
Some gypsies came and stole the fair-skinned baby girl away

As babies aren't mighty quick, the couple told their son
That in his nurs'ry all this time he'd been the only one

And Edmund (he's the only twin) was useless anyway
A second son who spent his days and nights and weeks at play

He woke one morning with a throbbing pain within his skull
Upon a ship and next to Smeg--the rest was kind of dull

The ship was called the Lollipop and Morgan was the head
So Ed and Smeg were pirates which is pleasanter than dead

Then Captain Morgan's vessel brought them out to the Black Sea
To visit his love, Sonja who was lovely as can be

The fair-skinned gypsy bats her eyes and Edmund falls in love
And in determined folly vows it's something he must prove

He challeng-ed his Captain to a duel till the death
And Smeg and Sonja watched the bloody thing with bated breath

And when the fight was over, Ed and Morgan were in fits
At the ridiculosity of fighting over tits

The lovely gypsy Sonja stopped the gents when she declared:
She did not want a man at all--so both thier lives were spared

But Edmund was enraptured still with Sonja, gypsy fair
Insisted he they dine that night to comfort his despair

Then Ed and Sonja dined and spoke and learned about their kin
Discovered she was Ursie Turnpike, Edmund's long-lost twin!

And Sonja took her turn and told the tale of her up-bring
And of the boy (called Yim) with whom she loved to play and sing

Both gypsies came with Ed and Smeg who took the Lollipop
While Morgan stayed behind where he would set up a woodshop

The crew stopped by to visit France and met beside a ditch
The Madame Amarantha Hackenbush, who's not a witch.

Despite the rumors flying 'round her when she left Britund
She's but a gentle midwife and the cousin of Edmund

And Amarantha's husband, mister Liq'rice Butterscotch
He joined them on their journey for to help them keeping watch

The gent was not a mercenary but as he insists
A merchant who's misunderstood and somewhat full of piss

And then to Eye-er-land they went, this rag-tag group of friends
But this is most de-fin-ite-ly not where our story ends.

And at a pub beside a road which had a sign of wood
The group met Poppy, Leprechaun, which proved to be quite good

The Lady Poppy's beautiful and golden flowing hair
Had an effect on Smegford that mimicked lack of air

He fell in love immed'atly and with her smiling glance
All present knew that this would be a wonderful romance

And with a sudden screaching fall came Griffin, from above
And without reason or much sense he vowed unending love

The fellow vowed right then and there to carry Paisley's shield
And followed our good travellers over mountain, hill and field.

(more verses here)

The group arrived at Paisley Glen and what a sight to see!
The pleasure dome was sparkling as if on a shining sea!

And Francis Turnpike (what a name) had died without an heir
So Edmund got the title and accepted it with flair

He filled the place with parties and with boozahol and friends
And Paisley Glen was happy ever after. That's the end.