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The Original Tale of Paisley Glen

By Ursula Turnpike

It all started eons ago, when Mr. Turnpike, Earl of Montererat, "trundled after the fatal snack," an enchanted muffin of DOOM, who ultimately led the man of the Turnpike name to his unfortunate demise. Since, his descendants have feared and loathed that pastry, but have revered those of a more kindly nature. Lord Turnpike, his great-grandson, is the Viscount of Paisley Glen and the beginning of our adventure.

Born a second son, and rather useless at that, he tried many trades; farming, sheparding, silversmiting, etc.; including a stint in the Anglican church. Finally, he went to sea with his best friend since youth, Smeg, after this episode proved futile (something involving altar boys and large brass candlesticks). Their ship, The Goodship Lollipop, was captured by dread pirates, from somewhere off the coast of Penzance. He joined with them, finding their captain, a pirate by the name of Morgan, friendly. From here they went on many an adventure that we shall not speak of in this tale.

Finally, tiring of the sea life, Edmund, Morgan and Smeg went on a tour of the Magnificent Continent of Europe where they met many colorful characters.

Edmund went with Morgan to Romania to meet with his love, Sonia, a gypsie. Edmund felt inexplicably drawn to her, and she felt the same to him. Because of this, Morgan and Turnpike had decided to duel, with the prize of the lovely Sonia's hand. Sonia interrupted the duel and proclaimed her undying love for Morgan, leaving Edmund heartbroken.

After a little talking about each other's pasts, it became apparent that Sonia was his long-lost twin sister Ursula, kidnapped by gypsie during infancy.

Not only was it Ursula/Sonia that joined Edmund and his friends, but also her adoptive brother, Ivanuvik from her gypsie clan.

After the five left Romania, they traveled downward through waterways and into Italy. And from Italy up into France where they met with Madame Amarantha Butterscotch, a midwife/herbalist and cousin of Edmund and Ursula's; Edmund had spent a great deal of time with her as a child. Amarantha fled France because she was accused of witchcraft. Also while in France the group encountered Orgasmo the Druid, an adventurous and bored shepard who wanted to pursue his magical abilities while he traveled, and the Turnpike's band seemed to be the right group to venture with. Madame Butterscotch and Orgasmo packed their bags and left with the Turnpike's and their friends.

From France they toured Germany. While they enjoyed the various sausages and chocolates, they fell across the gravestone of the Head of Wiltering Flower, a band dead hundreds of years, but whose tales were told through the ages. The group got so excited they began to exume the grave, uncaring of the severe disrespect they had for the dead as they did this. As the casket opened, Orgasmo fell deeply in love with the corpse and decided to resurrect him.

He "Worked his Magic" onto the corpse, mainly through the eye socket and in and around the jaw and suddenly, the man awoke to him. There was an unexplicable bond between the two, and Wiltering Flower's leader could only survive with the "Magic" of his resurrector and so he fell in with the band of misfits as well.

After they left Germany, they traveled to The Netherlands and found off the coast of the North Sea the Clan ECANI, who had ended shipwrecked after their last and most harsh battle with the most montrous of all evil cephalopods. The injured and homeless crew joined the Paislians (named after the Turnpike's beloved home of Paisley Glen in England) and they started again on their journey.

The tour went through the rest of the continent finding nothing really all that special until they reached Ireland, were there were some very interesting characters.

As Lord and Lady Turnpike, Smeg, Captain Morgan, Clan ECANI, Madame Butterscotch, Orgasmo, and the Barbarian traveled through Ireland, They stumpbled into a pub tended by Poppy of the Leprechauns, an eerily gorgeous and reserved creature that captured the heart and imagination of Smeg. He tried impressing her with his skills (or lack thereof) learned in his days with Edmund when they trained as mercenaries, but Poppy was not impressed by this. What she was taken by, however, was his kind heart and amazing spirit, and they fell in love. Poppy joined their side as well.

As they left the pub with Poppy, a strange character in black fell from a window above and onto the ground. His name was Gryphon and apparently, he had been wooing a married lady in the window he fell from. Gryphon had been injured and refused the "Magic" of Orgasmo to heal him. Madame Butterscotch had healed him instead and from then on, he pledged his allegiance to the Lord and Lady, and especially Madame Butterscotch, and swore to protect them.

As they all turned to leave the country and get on the boat from Ireland, Gryphon fell more ill than he had seemed previously when he took his fall from the window. The Lord and Lady tried to take him to a healer, but all of their places of business were closed and they wouldn't offer their business to a bunch of ragamuffins.

The three were about to lose hope when a kindly woman-healer named Olive came from out of nowhere and healed Gryphon. Gryphon fell temporarily in love with the fair skinned, red-headed beauty, but realized it could never be. After this, the Lord Turnpike begged the talented healer Olive to come with them. She said she would, claiming she had nothing better to do.

After traveling for some time through the continent, the group decided to return to the Turnpike's beloved England. Upon returning to Paisley Manor, the twins discovered that their elder brother, Francis, was dead and heirless (their parents should have thought of a more verile name), Edmund and Ursula, were called to stay in their Beautious England, to claim the viscountcy.

When the Lord and Lady returned to England, Edmund said that no sister of his would go on in the barbarous way she had been before she knew of her noble blood. Lord Turnpike called Christian, a bishop in the church he had once worked in down from the North of England to live in Cornwall with them, for it would cost far too much to send Ursula up every time she had sinned.

Being social libertarians, they brought their many acquaintances with them, to all live in the autonomous collective of Paisley Glen.

Smeg became the Master of the House and changed his last name to Thenardier. Gryphon decided he would be the Captain of the Palace Guard and the Lord and Lady did nothing to stop it. The Champions of the Court, old friends of the Turnpikes, were captained by Barbara while her love, Brian, a Pirate of Ill Fame, was the Paisley Glen Ambassador of Politick, 'fore he had the ability to speak to God (Ron), which is a much needed skill. Amarantha married a local merchant, also a money launderer, Saul, to keep the locals off her back about her wealth and witchery. The others simply lived in the castle as guests and had no real titles.

Life seemed to be getting much more settled in Paisley Palace, Until Barbara's Champions, The Order of the Argent Dragon, had been called into battle to protect the Faerie Amoret, Daughter of the Sun. The Order of the Argent Dragon sucessfully protected Amoret and in turn, the Paislians gained respect and became favored by Venus, the Sun, and the rest of Amoret's family.

The End for now.